With the flurry of activity going through my mind lately with C++, I feel like any remaining bits of dust are being cleared from the edges of my brain. It's really a different feeling from my usual choices of programming languages, and touches different mental pathways. I'm enjoying it to an extent…
But I digress; the reason I'm writing this post is because that work has given those pathways chances to focus on other things while I'm not actually doing the work. I eventually came onto the topic of "finding myself."
When I mention this to others, they seem to think it's about finding what one enjoys, but I don't think it's quite that. It's rather quite difficult to explain, but finding one's self is more than just typical engagement; it's finding something akin to one's belonging, or one's place, but focused more on activity versus those around oneself or the items around oneself. Sure, it can be recreation and enjoyable, but that'd just be one benefit rather than being intrinsic to finding oneself.
I really don't want to pass on prior to finding oneself. Doing so, at least in my view, would be the same as never having lived to begin with. Plenty of people go through life without doing so, and I don't want to be one of them.
At least I can say I've had an impact on others around me until now, but I do hope to someday have an impact on myself as well. I suppose if I die without ever finding myself, it wouldn't be as though I had never existed.